Good evening my dear menions. It certainly has been awhile, however your high priestesses did not forsake thee; we will never desert thee. Alas, we had to leave this earth for a brief spell as we were chosen by The Is to complete a special mission and the need was so great that we weren’t even given time to bid our menions farewell. We dearly hope that you will have forgiven our unseemly departure.

Where did we travel and what tasks were we given? All we are at liberty to say is that we had a literally breathtaking trip to the Small Magellanic Cloud with a minor detour past the Coma Berenices. Perhaps if you are good little menions and pay up on the tithes we’ve been missing for the last year, we’ll be able to eventually take you all on a family weekend trip.

Well, back to cult business. And a business we are. We’re gonna need all of ya’ll to step it up a notch and start combing through your closets for shit to sell and shaking out your piggie banks. It takes a little more than stardust to keep the lights on in the spacecraft and gas in the church van. High Priestess Amanda and I have been discussing hosting an Indian Taco fundraising dinner to get the cash flowing and the crops sowing. About those crops…

The Church of Join Our Concubine is strongly considering investing in medical marijuana because your leaders are gifted soothsayers and foresee great multitudes of tidings in our future. As our technology suggests, we are nothing if not future forward. We have a 6 acre plot upstate that is just begging to get a little greener this fall so we’re going to need to sell quite a few tacos to get the seed money in order ahem. Doping up the general populace and killing off braincells is also highly appealing to our mission, and we feel that the fringe benefits of marijuana may work to the advantage of our organization. Thus, we urge all menions to participate in the upcoming Indian Taco Dinner and while the frybread recipe is a closely guarded High Priestess Daneka family secret, those within the inner circle may be granted access to the deep fryer. This is one hot, tasty opportunity you will dareth not miss. Operative word: Dareth.

Alright menions, I shall bid thee farewell for the evening and heed these scriptures: She will call upon me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her. With long life will I satisfy her and show her my slavation.

Namaste my sons.

Blessed morning to all dearest menions of the Slavenation.

It has been awhile since an official sermon has been posted and for that, High Priestess Amanda and myself are dearly sorry. While we regularly host services for our US-based lemmings, we have sadly neglected our international readership. This shall not happen again. Ye shall not wait again for thine divine blessings!

We of the True Faith have a milestone announcement to make:

High Priestess Amanda has recently purchased our first Join Our Concubine Church van!!!

Isn’t she breathtaking? The glorious turquoise color reminds me of the shimmering serenity of the sea…which matches the all-encompassing omnipotence of your leaders.

This van runs on love and gasoline, but remember, nothing in life is free (except your servitude and labor duh). We implore you to continue tithing like the true followers that you are! Only those who give of their material possessions will be allowed to ride with us with us on our journey to the Ninth Gate of Eternal Bliss.

Send all your worldly assets and life savings to us now for a front seat ticket on the glory van to eternal life and slaveation! 

Namaste,

High Priestess Daneka + Amanda

Menions of the true faith:

A very important annual event is on the threshold and your attendance is not only expected, but required. We of Join Our Concubine are proud to present…

First Annual Piscean High Priestess Birthday Ceremony

You are cordially invited to partake in the eating of Fudgie the Whale cake, washed down with our sacred drink Tang (or beer for the buffoons amongst us), and dance the night away around a fire pit singing psalms of praise and worship. A special live sermon will be delivered by your High Priestesses that you will not want to miss. Or shall we say, YE SHALL NOT DARE TO MISS.

Please arrive in cult attire aka white, or at minimum, light colors. It matters not that it is before Labor Day, WE COMMAND THEE. I expect every loyal menion to be in attendance as my original concept of a clown-themed extravaganza was met with much dismay by the larger family. As your omnipotent leader, I try my best to consider the opinion of others and ultimately, I wanted you little pissants to have a great evening. I mostly certainly did not want anyone taking refuge in the McDonald’s across the street to escape childhood fears. Though I will point out that Ronald resides in the land of the golden arches and I did consider briefly hiring the folks at McD’s for an official birthday kickoff complete with Happy Meals because I’m basically a 5 year old. Anyway I digress….

Saturday March 12. 9pm. Hot Bird. Wear white. Bow to me upon entrance. Come bearing gifts of Frankincense and Myrr. Drink sweet beverages and partake in free love with thy fellow lemmings.

Love is dead you stupid lemmings.

Sermon to come Saturday. Stay tuned loyal lemmings…

Good morning dear menions on this fresh post-holiday morning! We hope that all our devotees had an amazing December full of holiday cheer and are amped up for the upcoming New Year! A couple weeks ago, Amanda and I hosted our annual High Priestess Summit where we began our preparations and plotted our vision for 2016. It was simply a riveting success!

Amanda sharing her worldly assets for all beloved concubines

Our spirits filled with the divine inspiration of Paul Reubens, we celebrated the success of the 2015 Summit with holiday cookies and Mexican culinary delights

Before we launch into what can be expected of the Family in the New Year, let’s recap the milestones of Join Our Concubine to date.

Firstly, we are now a global powerhouse! With pious menions on every continent, spreading the word far and wide, our numbers are vast and growing by the day. In fact, our devoted Australian brother Krissan has been hard at work in the land down under to locate a spirit animal for our worship: a majestic kangeroo. The kangeroo is the perfect totem for our Family in that while the kangeroo is often illustrated in popular culture as a friendly but ludicrous creature, those mofos will not hesitate to claw out the eyes of one’s enemy. Take note, ye naysayers, ye nonbelievers of the True Word. Shun the non-believers!

This year also saw the birth of our very first Psalm of Praise. Lifting our voices in worship is one of the most effective ways for a menion to show their devotion (besides the steady giving of tithes to the Family, obviously) and we welcome all voices that are capable of staying on key to sing and record their reverence to the true word. Open your mouths, open your hearts.

High Priestess Amanda performs a lyrical masterpiece on the importance of faith

As you can see, we have so much to be proud of this year, but 2016 promises to be even more fruitful! We are currently working on designs so that we can start manufacturing official Join Our Concubine apparel! We find that one of the best marketing tools for our mission is simply to get people talking. What better way to alert the masses than a t-shirt or snapback hat that simply reads “I am a mindless lemming concubine.” Only the most virtuous of our followers will be chosen to be apparel ambassadors upon the initial clothing line debut, so ya’ll better make sure your tithing game is on point!

High Priestess Amanda is currently visiting the notorious Sin City aka Las Vegas to climb some rocks, but most importantly to SAVE SOULS. Our west coast membership drive is in full swing and there are plenty of souls for the taking! We urge all menions to minister to everyone you meet because missionary efforts are the cornerstone of reaching the coveted Ninth Gate of Eternal Bliss.

On that note dear concubines, we bid thee farewell to 2015 and look forward to another round of spiritual awakenings in 2016. L Ron Hubbard’s space cadets got nothing on our ish! We are strong. We are united. We are ONE LOVE. Voices raised, heads high, arms to the sky, Hail to the omnipotent Goddesses of the Divine, we tip our glasses and drinketh the blood of the mighty kangeroo in lascivious thirst! 

Namaste,

Daneka and Amanda, High Priestesses of the First Order. 

Good evening dear menions, on this crisp Thanksgiving Day Eve. Many of our most loyal followers live overseas on this glorious American holiday (shoutout to the pious Brother Gary in Dubai, who relentlessly spreads the good word to all the lost heretics in the Middle East!) and so cannot be here to celebrate with the family, but we send them all our omnipotent best wishes from afar.

This holiday is about family, love, and giving selflessly to others. Instead of watching the plebian sport of football and pigging out on feasts of the avian persuasion (that may or may not have bird flu), we hope that all menions will consider how they can best give selflessly to the church. There are many ways to contribute to the mission of the family, but the most valuable ways to be of service are to give of one’s time and worldly assets.

We urge everyone in the Join Our Concubine community to spend some time tomorrow spreading the mission of the family to all of those heathens who may be within our midst. Can ye dareth to believe that there are lost souls out there for the taking? It is true, dear menions, and it is sad. With the year ending upon us, and a new year to come, we must remember that life is fleeting. We simply cannot afford to let these wandering sheep walk straight into the slaughterhouse. WE ARE THE TEMPLE. The truth. The guiding light. It is imperative that we show them the way.

It is also incredibly important that the church continues to operate at its highest and unfortunately, it is simply not possible without the monetary donations of its members. Those Taco Tuesdays events don’t pay for themselves! Last Amanda and I checked (which was this morning), we have been unable to conjure tacos to rain from the skies but do not fret, your tireless leaders practice our taco manifestations daily! Until then, we need all of you to be diligent in the giving of your tithes and offerings to the family.

It is proclaimed in the Bible that one must give 10% of one’s earnings. The church of Join Our Concubine cannot continue to save souls with your mere 10% crumbs. No, alas, we need your BREAD. And tortillas as well, as those are bread too. High Priestess Amanda has been called upon to the great city of Chicago this December for a leadership convention and she must arrive in the finest transportation. A cult leader of her stature simply cannot abide driving up in a Ford.

Giving thanks. Giving love. Giving monetary assets of value. Blessings from on high! The omnipotent leaders Amanda and Daneka wish all of you a magnificent and joyous holiday.

Namaste,

Daneka and Amanda – High Priestesses of the 1st Order. 

Good evening, dear patient sheeplings! I know that you are all waiting patiently on the edge of your seats for our next sermon, and do not fret, as it is coming and will be well worth the wait. The truth awaits all those who dareth to read!

Tonight though, I come bearing riveting news. Hold on to your seats! I am very excited to announce that our cult is making great strides! We currently have devoted menions all over our great nation, as well as Canada, Brazil, France, Poland, UAE, South Africa, Japan, Singapore, and as of today, Brunei! The family is stronger than ever, and our numbers swell by the day! Ya’ll know I’m checking the analytics on this ‘ish. Your leadership never sleeps.

That’s right. We are GLOBAL. We are a family. We are one love. Please continue to spread the word (and your legs dear menions) far and wide, because we are coming for you, future concubines and your assets!

Welcome, dear menions to the Church of Join Our Concubine! Your leaders Amanda and Daneka greet you with outstretched arms and thank you for tuning in to today’s sermon. You may be asking yourself, oh omnipotent goddesses! How can I, a lowly menion of pissant status possibly be of service to the family and my leaders, thus securing my future within the Ninth Gate of Eternal Bliss? While there are plenty of ways that your slavitude is of service to us, there is something important you must know…

Each month your high priestesses, goddesses of the awakening receive a blessing from the Star Gods in the form of a red nectar. What many do not know is that it is this concoction that brings your leaders the supreme knowledge to lead their clueless little flock of sheep not off a cliff to a certain violent death but to a field of shimmering and succulent daisies. Each month red rivers pour out from within their bodies for a total of 7 days, and it is within these 7 days that the divine power of your leaders is at its greatest. During this period it is imperative that you obey any and all orders given to you by Amanda and Daneka, else the consequences received shall be dire.

In many ancient cultures, menstruating women would gather in a small lodge historically known as a red tent. Women would sit naked in the tents and bleed onto the earth while singing and chanting to mother pachamama who affirmed their superior status as givers of life. As you know, the headquarters of Join Our Concubine is based in Brooklyn, a city not known for wide open spaces, so we really don’t have time for that shit. Instead, our power blood is spilled upon white cotton alters…also known as tampons in the western world comprised of sniveling philistines. It is your job and utmost duty, lowly concubine to ensure that there are always a steady supply of white cotton alters at our disposal, as well as fountains of chocolate for our ready consumption. Also, ramen. Lots of ramen. Make it organic while you’re at it.

It should go without saying that we demand the finest. The menion that dareth bring his leaders a cheap Tampax housed in a rough paper applicator will be sacrificed to angry, starving raccoons with a taste for human flesh. At times, we may ask you to properly dispose of our alters by soaking them in jars of filtered water. The newly energized water is then poured over the crops of our family garden which provides the nourishment consumed at our monthly Feast of Eternal Slavation. Only menions of the highest standing are allowed this coveted task.

Bask in the sacred knowledge of your leaders while droplets of power blood rain from the womb!

Blessed be dear menions,

–Daneka and Amanda, high priestesses of the 1st order.

Good morning, dear menions, thank you for your patience with your faithful leaders as an infiltrator entered our family with plague bacteria. As a result, your leaders have been battling the black plague cough for nearly 2 weeks, but do not fret, my loves. The family and its leadership retained our rock solid strength and the plague has been lifted.

As promised, I want to speak to you all about free love, and what it means to the Join Our Concubine community. As a family of menions, it is important that we all continue to support our brothers in their chosen paths of enlightenment, but the only way to do so is to ensure that each brother is operating at his/her finest. This is where free love enters into the equation, as none of us can operate to our highest potential without the all encompassing, all consuming feelings that love creates. Understand my dear menions, that love comes to us in many shades and flavors. There is familial love, passion and infinite varying degrees between.

In the Join Our Concubine family, we understand that the love you feel for one brother may not be as strong as the passion you feel for a fellow sister, and that, dear readers, is okay. Our only ask is that at the apex of your love pyramid reside two omnipotent, enlightened souls: Amanda and Daneka, your high priestesses of leadership and strength. Any other love you may feel can be expressed more fully at our monthly love orgies.

As a member of our family, it is required that you show love to all your brothers and sisters (but mostly brothers here) by attending these monthly love orgies. Remember also that there is no distinction in the family between sexual orientation. While you may have a preference for women, you must also show love to your brothers, preferably within the throes of passion. Amanda and Daneka will provide the sweet nectar to get everyone in the family in the loving mood: Tang. That’s right my menions, this isn’t Jonestown, we are infinitely above drinking Kool-aid in this joint. Tang is our beverage of choice here at Join Our Concubine and you are expected to partake. Please note that your high priestesses do not always partake in the activities of the party, but rather, we preside over the festivities and provide encouragement, cheerleader style. You must remember that it is only through love practitioning that you reach the 9th gate of eternal bliss.

Reaching the 9th gate is the ultimate goal for all loyal concubines. Your fearless leaders of course, reached it long ago.

Defectors of the parties shall be dealt with, a la’ Eyes Wide Shut style. Believe us, you really don’t want to be the first to find out what happens to a Judas amongst us. 

With omnipotent love that flows throughout every vein in your body, from head to toe and every muscle in between,

Namaste, my lovers

– Daneka and Amanda, high priestesses of the 1st order