Welcome, dear menions to the Church of Join Our Concubine! Your leaders Amanda and Daneka greet you with outstretched arms and thank you for tuning in to today’s sermon. You may be asking yourself, oh omnipotent goddesses! How can I, a lowly menion of pissant status possibly be of service to the family and my leaders, thus securing my future within the Ninth Gate of Eternal Bliss? While there are plenty of ways that your slavitude is of service to us, there is something important you must know…

Each month your high priestesses, goddesses of the awakening receive a blessing from the Star Gods in the form of a red nectar. What many do not know is that it is this concoction that brings your leaders the supreme knowledge to lead their clueless little flock of sheep not off a cliff to a certain violent death but to a field of shimmering and succulent daisies. Each month red rivers pour out from within their bodies for a total of 7 days, and it is within these 7 days that the divine power of your leaders is at its greatest. During this period it is imperative that you obey any and all orders given to you by Amanda and Daneka, else the consequences received shall be dire.

In many ancient cultures, menstruating women would gather in a small lodge historically known as a red tent. Women would sit naked in the tents and bleed onto the earth while singing and chanting to mother pachamama who affirmed their superior status as givers of life. As you know, the headquarters of Join Our Concubine is based in Brooklyn, a city not known for wide open spaces, so we really don’t have time for that shit. Instead, our power blood is spilled upon white cotton alters…also known as tampons in the western world comprised of sniveling philistines. It is your job and utmost duty, lowly concubine to ensure that there are always a steady supply of white cotton alters at our disposal, as well as fountains of chocolate for our ready consumption. Also, ramen. Lots of ramen. Make it organic while you’re at it.

It should go without saying that we demand the finest. The menion that dareth bring his leaders a cheap Tampax housed in a rough paper applicator will be sacrificed to angry, starving raccoons with a taste for human flesh. At times, we may ask you to properly dispose of our alters by soaking them in jars of filtered water. The newly energized water is then poured over the crops of our family garden which provides the nourishment consumed at our monthly Feast of Eternal Slavation. Only menions of the highest standing are allowed this coveted task.

Bask in the sacred knowledge of your leaders while droplets of power blood rain from the womb!

Blessed be dear menions,

–Daneka and Amanda, high priestesses of the 1st order.

• Uncategorized